It is normal to lose libido as you age. Ruth Ramsay, adult sex coach and educator, explains how to spice up midlife sex.

We need to stop feeling ashamed and stigmatized about talking about sex.

As a life coach, I hear women say things like “I can’t imagine I’m about to tell this to you, you’ll think I’m so weird, I’m so embarrassed” before they tell me something normal and common!

Lack of education is often the cause of shame. We all need to educate ourselves, as we did not receive a sex education that was empowering and focused on pleasure at school.

Talking about sex shouldn’t be something you feel embarrassed about

Books, podcasts, TED talks, documentaries, and podcasts are all great sources of information. Let’s take the time to educate ourselves and share what we learn with our friends, partners, mothers, and daughters.

The best way to demonstrate that talking about sexuality is not something to be ashamed of is to attend live events. In my talks and workshops, I’m looking forward to showing this first-hand at the Postcards From Middle Age Festival.

Sex is good for us

Healthy sex in middle age is beneficial to us both physically and mentally. All types of sexual activity can increase our heart rate. Vigorous sex is a great cardio and flexibility exercise.

Arousal helps keep tissues healthy and oxygenated by moving blood around the genitals. Orgasms and pleasure release brain chemicals that relax and make us happy.

Even solo sex is not exempt from the above! The sex we have with our partner makes us feel closer and helps us release stress and enjoy each other’s company. This helps us work better together outside of the bedroom.

Read more: Feeling dry? A gynecologist explains why collagen can help with vaginal dryness

What can cause a loss of libido later in life?

Women often feel that they’ve lost their libido by midlife. There may not be enough time to ‘us’ because we are busy with our children, teens, aging parents, jobs and community duties.

Stress, fatigue and lack of time for yourself are all major factors that can kill your libido. Changes in hormone levels may also affect our libido. Physical changes such as breast cysts or menopause symptoms like aching joints, dry vagina, or flooding periods can all have a negative impact on our libido.

As we change, so does our self-perception. No wonder we don’t want to have sex.

It’s good to know that sexual play can be enjoyed as long as we are aware and have a desire to maintain an erotic flame in our lives.

Some of the changes in our hormones may have a positive impact on our sexual lives. As oestrogen levels fall and we become less concerned about what other people think, we might find that we can ask for more in bed or explore new interests like kink or non-monogamy.

Stress, fatigue and lack of time for yourself are all major libido killers

In midlife, men also face many of the same issues as women. Stress, weight gain and self-perception issues can all cause havoc.

Around age 40, men may find it harder to get an erection. However, when they finally do it is not as difficult as before.

This can be devastating for many men, who may feel shame and embarrassment.

Michael Castleman ‘s Sizzling Sex for Life is a great resource for men.

Painful sex

There is more and more talk about vaginal atrophy, but there’s still a lot more to be done. Many women suffer in silence and are unaware that the burning and pain they experience is not uncommon.

Vaginal atrophy can cause urinary tract infection, which is not directly related to sex but has an impact on our sexual lives.

Many women suffer in silence, embarrassed

Women who suffer from UTIs are often prescribed antibiotics when they really need vaginal estrogen, which is now available in UK pharmacies.

Talk to your partner first

This conversation should focus on how your partner’s needs have changed.

This approach helps to avoid the feeling of being under pressure. It should be about both of you enjoying the experience. Select a time when you both are relaxed and not in bed.

If you’re feeling shy, embarrassed, or anxious, tell them. Most likely, they are too. Tell them that your body has changed and you have to change the way you approach sex.

Ask them what they need. Also, ask if there have been any changes to their body or libido. And how you can continue to provide them with pleasure.

Here are some tips to spice up your sex life in midlife…

Find some erotic ideas

You should ask yourself where your erotica inspiration comes from. You may be tempted by the sexy images in films, TV, books, or websites.

You can also try to stimulate your desire by listening to audio stories or reading erotica. It will spark your desire and make you realize that sex is well worth the effort and energy!

Try reading steamy erotic novels to whet your appetite for sexuality

Try to reminisce about your first sexual experiences together. Include what you did and the smells, sounds and sights.

We need to be inspired by the ideas above to spark our desire for sex later in life.

Second, find comfortable positions

As we age, it becomes more important to be physically comfortable when having sex. Aches, pains or the fear of injuring ourselves are all turn offs.

Try different positions and use pillows or cushions for extra support. You can even find specialized products by searching for’sex pillows’.

It is important to let someone know if you feel uncomfortable during penetrative sexual activity. Do not try to tolerate it. You should both enjoy your sex.

Spend money on a good body-safe lubricant (see Yesyesyes.org to see some great options) and apply liberally. You can feel less fearful of pain if you’re in a position where you have control over the penetration, such as on top.

There’s more to penetration than you think

You can use your entire body as a playground for sexual activity. At any age, it is beneficial to let go of an obsession with penetrative sexual relations. But in midlife this becomes essential. This factor can lead to your best sex ever!

The heterosexual respondents in the largest ever survey of sexually-satisfied long-term couples reported that challenges surrounding penetrative sex forced them to be more creative and led to their best sex. This study was conducted by Dr Peggy Kleinplatz & Dana Menard, as reported in the book Amazing Sex.

You can benefit from letting go of your obsession with penetrative sexual relations at any age

You can also engage in ‘traditional’ forms of sexual activity that don’t involve a physical contact, like oral or touching each other’s genitals. Explore other parts of the body as well.

If your genitals are not working, where do you think you would be able to develop an orgasmic ability? Could it be your neck? Your feet? Your hands?

It is possible to experience this phenomenon, called “transfer orgasms”, when you have paralysis in the genital area. Find your own areas of epic pleasure that are not traditional.

Try something new and spontaneous.

Sex should not feel like a burden or routine. It should bring you pleasure, relaxation, excitement and be good for your physical and mental health. It’s time to reconsider what you do between the sheets if it doesn’t feel like a chore or a routine.

We often establish a ‘pattern of sexual activities’ early on in a relationship, and then continue to repeat it for many years without discussing whether or not we still enjoy them.

We usually designed this pattern based on what the mainstream media told us, and it was never particularly satisfying.

It’s time to change these patterns. Learn about sexual science. Explore new interests. Find new inspirations.

Explore educational podcasts, documentaries online, or courses like my Passion8 Programme.

Take the pleasure in your own hands

Singleness is the perfect time to think about what you really enjoy. Discover ethical porn, fiction erotica, courses, and workshops.

Have you always been curious about kinks? Check out our online workshop to learn more (check out the WeAreX application).

Always had girl-girl fantasies? Watch some adult films directed by women (Erika Lust is recommended).

Discover sex toys that have evolved in recent years

You’ve always wanted to learn tantra, but your partner isn’t interested. Attend a masterclass in person.

Discover sex toys. They have changed dramatically in recent years, as more and more female designers are employed.

Keep penetration, with either fingers or toys, on your solo sex list to keep the vaginal tube oxygenated and flexible.

Postcards From Midlife Live, a new women’s lifestyle show in London on May 19 and 20, 2023 is the brand new event for women.

If you liked this interview and would like to see Ruth Ramsay/Dr Louise Newson and other top celebrities, plus boutique shopping and pampering at Postcards from Midlife LIVE visit postcardsfrommidlifelive.co.uk

The Healthista Menopause pack is an online video workshop led by Dr Dawn Harper. It’s affordable, accessible, and covers all aspects of menopause for those in need.

This online resource, which includes information and advice from seven menopause experts who are respected in the industry, is designed to help women deal with common challenges and changes they may face before, during and after menopause.